Depression comes and goes, and comes back, and stays for a visit.  Then it slowly departs, but for me, it never completely stays away.  I wish it would. 

I know where my depression came from and when it first arrived.  It was when I broke up with a boyfriend when I was in my early twenties.  Young, hurt, and feeling lost, I took to my bed.  And I stayed in my bed crying for days.  I remember I had to finally get up to go back to work.  Work helped, but it didn’t take away my depression.  I found myself sad for an extended period of time.  I had broken up with a boyfriend before and got over it quickly…but this time bad thoughts kept creeping into my brain.  The thoughts were not about harming myself but rather what I thought about myself.  I was stupid and dumb.  I didn’t like myself.  I called my friend Karen and told her what I was feeling.  Karen told me I was depressed.  She said I was in a bad place because of the breakup.  She suggested that I see a counselor or psychologist…so I did.  The counselor was the key to understanding why I was depressed and where the terrible thoughts were coming from.  The voice inside my brain was me, and I was repeating what I had heard for years growing up.

My father had two nicknames for me, “dummy” and “stupid.”  I was verbally abused from the time I was about five years old.  My counselor told me I was bright…and I have to admit, I loved hearing that.  She told me that although I knew what was wrong with me, I didn’t know how to stop it from happening.  I had always told myself I was dumb and stupid when things went wrong but I couldn’t…on my own…change the dialogue.  I kept hearing my father’s words.  I heard them and repeated them for years. 

My depression comes in waves and I have tried very hard to change the dialogue in my head.  To this day it creeps back when I hit a stumbling block on the road of life.  I look to my friends for strength.  I am very lucky that my friends are there for me.  I exercise and that helps too.  I live in Florida, the Sunshine State, it’s a lifesaver for health and wellness.  For those of you who struggle with depression, I get it.  I promise to write a lot more about mental health…and I hope it helps even a little bit.