**This article references family members taking on the role of caregiver, not professional caregiving services. I am not a licensed caregiver**
Why do caretakers receive criticism? You would think friends and family would understand how hard the caregiver works. The dictionary describes criticism as, “The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.” The key word I would like to point out in this definition is “perceived.”
Why do I write in defense of caregivers? I was a caregiver for family members and I received comments from almost everyone. Most were in support of my choices and devotion to my father, mother, and sister. But, when it came to opinions, a few felt the need to share. The same people who insisted my father could no longer live at home were then very vocal when I did find a long-term care facility for Dad at his new home. “What is she thinking? He should be in his home.” Dad could no longer care for himself; his balance was very poor and his bedroom was on the second floor. In response to these criticisms, I was defending myself. This puts the caregiver in a position to second guess themselves, and pulls their focus away from caregiving.
What a caregiver needs at this time is support– they are doing their best! How many of us feel perfectly suited to make the change from a friend, partner, or family member and take on the responsibilities of a caregiver? Most aren’t. Stroke, heart attack, or other sudden changes in the patient’s health can leave the family in a panic. Multiple decisions must be made fast and it can be all the responsibility of one person. There is no outline for how to organize all the new jobs the caregiver is now in charge of. The sad reality is that most people will be quick to criticize instead of helping the caregiver.
“Compliment don’t criticize!” And then ask what you can do to help? It is easy to stand back and make a judgment. Instead, make yourself available to the caregiver, as a friend, confidant, shoulder to cry on.
The perfect example is my friend who suffered a stroke. Her husband had to find his wife on the floor of their bedroom, call an ambulance and arrive at the hospital with all the concerns about the risk of COVID. After a long stay in the hospital, she transitioned to a rehabilitation center.
Her husband had to completely change their lifestyle; list a home for sale, buy a home with a first-floor bedroom, pack up and move, set up the new home, hire home healthcare professionals, purchase a hospital bed and other medical supplies, grocery shop, visit his wife at the rehabilitation facility multiple times a day, move her into their new home, help keep her focused and constantly encourage her, comb her hair, kiss her forehead, prepare meals, clean kitchen, call the insurance company, and answer all the questions posed at him about his daily activities and her care and progress. He was lucky to have some wonderful friends to help along the way. But, in their small town, people had negative comments and opinions.
It is time to change our perception.
This is your call to think about the people in your circle. Do you know anyone taking over the role of caregiver? What can you do to understand the situation better? Stop by for a visit and observe the caregiver multi-tasking, and offer assistance in the capacity they need. Remember, compliment, don’t criticize!
For any caregivers or family members dealing with a sudden change in a loved one’s health, here are resources that may be able to help:
Mental Health America: This site includes comprehensive guides on caregiving basics, coping skills, planning for crises, tools and resources for caregivers, and treatment options.
Department of Health and Human Services: Comprehensive caregiving resources and assistance, spanning insurance guides, prevention, facility search, and trainings.
National Alliance for Caregiving: Trainings, resources, support, support groups, research, newsletters.
Today’s Caregiver: This is a great place to start seeking a network of caregivers, and join into a community with support and additional resources.
988: The new national suicide and crisis hotline.
Please reach out to me or a local organization to tap into the community of caregivers. We are here and ready to support you with a network, resources, and aid.
